When you’re too busy and distracted to heal…
So, I’m one week into this journey, and what do you know … a journal that ended up in Arizona as I emptied my suitcase to get it under 70 pounds last August found its way to my quiet time this morning. I found it eye-opening to go back in this journal from February of this year.
I wasn’t looking for anything about rejection but was actually looking for some context around my decision to start taking better care of my body. That was a time of restarting getting off sugar through Christine Trimpe’s Sugar Freed Bootcamp after starting it two years earlier and not following through.
But ohhhhh, what I found on those pages hit me like a ton of bricks.
As I read the scriptures and insights God gave me over the getaway I took to fast and pray, I was shocked to see my prayer asking the Holy Spirit to illuminate my heart and expose the rejection hiding there in the corners. Clearly I recognized that it hiding in the shadows was the enemy’s attempt to make sure I didn’t ever identify it! What struck me more than anything was here I am 9 months later finally getting serious about this aspect of my need for healing.
It was clear that the enemy had distracted me and kept many other fires burning in order to keep me so busy that I wouldn’t return to that request of the Lord and follow through. I also saw that my tendency to ALLOW the distractions to keep those difficult memories and the thought of the many painful exclusions or rebuffs at bay was on me. It was my medication of choice to deaden the constant ache from those unhealed wounds, (to which I ask myself, so how’s that workin’ for ya?).
This insight led me to ask the Holy Spirit what the connection is between my struggle to keep eating healthy and avoid emotional eating and the need for deliverance and healing from the root and spirit of rejection. Here’s what He showed me:
- Rejection keeps me believing that taking care of my body/the temple of the Holy Spirit, is not important and just a hassle. Hey! My days are numbered so it doesn’t matter how I take care of myself, right? (Not!)
- Rejection wants to keep the cycle of shame in operation and if it can’t get me to abuse alcohol, it’s happy to replace that with unhealthy foods.
- Rejection does not want me to be fit spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically in order to continue that cycle of shame, exacerbating my weaknesses and failures.
It was also eye opening for me to see that part of my issue back in February was being mad at God for making me abstain from alcohol completely, so not even enjoying in moderation. He said, “Others may, you may not.” I admitted my tendency to eat foods that aren’t good for me (lots of sugar, or unhealthy sweeteners, carbs and junk food) was just me having a hissy fit for the boundary God had drawn for me.
The A.W. Tozer quote I penned in that journal and prayed back to God in first person on that very day said the following:
O God, glorify Thyself at my expense. Send me the bill – anything, Lord. I set no price. I will not dicker or bargain. GLORIFY THYSELF. I’ll take the consequences. Amen.”
What a risky prayer to utter … I meant it with all that was within me, and I still got distracted away from the healing journey He was started all those months ago.
Praying to start my quiet time this morning was lifting to the Lord Psalm 139:23-24:
Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxieties. And see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
And then re-reading my journal from this time and seeing where I am now, 9 months later, was such a solemn reminder at how feeding my flesh does not produce good fruit, but only silences the Holy Spirit, keeping me in a vicious cycle of justifying bad behavior and not following through on my convictions which He by His Spirit has stirred in my soul.
So, what about you? Do you see any correlations between your struggles and the root of rejection and how it might still be affecting you today?
Thanks for hanging out with me today!
Welcome, I'm Athena!
I start each day by tithing the first hour to the Lord in prayer, reading the word, doing word studies of the Text, and asking God how I can live out what I am reading. This time is usually met with meditation on devotionals that are usually written by dead guys like Oswald Chambers, CS Lewis, Charles Spurgeon, AW Tozer, and Andrew Murray.
Right now, I’m reading a daily devotional with a friend called Tozer on the Almighty God for my focus for the day. It's fun to see individually what pulls us in to spur one another on to good deeds!
The Bible is filled with action steps to walk out in practical and intentional ways. This sets my day in motion to walk it out! I hope this is your heart, too.
Consider this a personal invitation to join me in this journey!