Looking back at my journal from that night, He was speaking so strongly through the scriptures in Psalm 25….
“Lord, I lay him on the altar, and I surrender every hope and dream for our future, and I choose to say, if this is not the man You have for me, then I release him and all my expectations of a future together.”
THIS IS THE FOURTH PART IN A SERIES DOCUMENTING ATHENA DEAN’S PERSONAL AND SPIRITUAL JOURNEY FROM SINGLE WOMAN TO HAPPILY MARRIED ATHENA DEAN HOLTZ.
Don’t miss any of the earlier posts before you read on!
SPEAKING TO ME
Indeed, none of those who wait for Thee will be ashamed. v 3a
For Thee I wait all the day. v 5b
Who is the man who fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way he should choose. v 12
“I trust You, Lord, that because I fear You, You will instruct me in the way I should choose.”
My eyes are continually toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net. v 15
“Lord, my eyes will remain on You so that I might not fall into the enemy’s net.”
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted v 16
“Lord, please take my loneliness away so that I might grow to know You as my husband.”
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for Thee v 21
“Yes, Lord, I wait for Thee.”
I wept and wept as I saw how much I’d done exactly the opposite of what God continued to whisper in my ear. My heart was broken as I let go of all the hopes and dreams I’d built up in my mind.
“Oh Lord, my heart is broken into a million pieces. I have no hope that my desire will ever come to be. I just have to trust that You will take care of me. That if he is just what I WANT but not what YOU WANT then You will bring the one You have for me, and it will be like a dream come true.
“Oh Lord, I know that You are always faithful and that You have proven it over and over again to me. So, Lord, I trust You with my heart and I trust You with my future. I trust You with this pain and my broken heart.”
TWO DAYS LATER
“I know You have me, and so I trust in You. I trust You to do whatever You want with me, and I admit I don’t know what that is. I thought it was You who wanted me to wait for my friend, but it’s obvious that it was ME all along. It’s what I wanted…it’s what I longed for. It’s what I wanted hard for.
“How easy it is for us to have a desire and believe it’s You when it’s just our soul wanting something that may or may not be Your will. Oh, Lord, I built my life around this fantasy for the last 6 months and now it’s over. Please teach me all You have for me in all of this.”
NOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT SCRIPTURE!
A very close friend who, with his wife, ministered to me as I struggled with my state of singleness, asked me to read 1 Corinthians 7:35. He encouraged me to ask God to work it into my heart to understand and embrace the passage. But that was really hard. The thought of being wholly devoted to Him and giving up the idea of ever having a godly man to marry felt like an impossibility.
I went on to write my prayers in my journal…
“Lord! I feel like I’ve been cheated out of ever having a godly marriage. I wanted so badly to finally have a chance to marry someone who is godly, and now I feel like I totally have to give up that hope. It hurts my heart to think I will never be in love again, and love and serve a mate in a godly way. All I have now are memories of fleshly relationships based on lust…with no hope of redemption. Oh it hurts so much, Lord. It hurts so much…
“But Lord, I surrender my desires and my wants…my hopes and my dreams… I surrender them and say YOUR WILL BE DONE. You have purposely taken, over the last year, both of the men I was interested in out of my life, even though they both seemed to be what You wanted. You have purposefully left me single and no potentials in the wings…no dates, no pursuers, NO NOTHING.
“Oh, Lord…I accept the possibility that I am to stay single. I accept the potential that I may just need to allow You to be my husband…FOR GOOD. Not until… not unless… not as a Plan B… not as a 2nd choice. But my first love as my first choice and Plan A.
“Lord, please work that desire into my heart. Please help me to surrender the longing for a godly man and allow You to fill that need. In Jesus’ Name.”
I turned to the next page in the book I was reading and wrote in my journal the words as they jumped off the page at me.
If we could see beyond
today as God can see…
If all the clouds should
roll away, the shadows flee
O’er present griefs…
we would not fret…
for many joys are waiting
yet…for you and me.
We must make First Love our hope, our goal, then all the other pieces will fall into place.
“First Love,” Ann Kiemel Anderson